By Caleb & Mary Beth Lutz · 11/4/26 · pairs with How to Speak So People Actually Listen (And Respect You)
You can have the best idea in the room and still watch everyone's eyes glaze over. Being right isn't enough. People actually have to want to listen to you.
Here's the good news as usual with communication: this is a skill. It is not a gift you were simply born with or without. This is a written companion to our video on how to speak so people actually listen, and the full episode is below. If you'd rather read, we cover three things: why people tune you out, what to say and how to say it so you're heard, and the habit that makes people genuinely trust you (which, long-term, is the real reason they lean in).
Point 1: Why people tune you out
We'll start here because it's the uncomfortable one. We’ve both worked in leadership, we were both teachers, and we genuinely like people and like listening… and even we catch ourselves tuning out sometimes. Usually for a few very fixable reasons.
The first one: there's no point. Someone comes to you and starts verbally processing out loud, working out what they think in real time, with no concrete destination. And it really does matter where the train is going. (We were watching The Polar Express one year, at the big profound moment where the line lands, "it doesn't matter where the train is going, it only matters that you get on it," and everyone around us was tearing up. Caleb takes a breath and voices with a smile, "is it just me… or does it actually matter where the train is going?" Because in real conversations, it absolutely does.)
So if you want your words to matter to people, have a point, and think it through enough ahead of time to start with it. Don't bury it. When you live in your own head but you want it to make sense to others, the temptation is to explain every single thing that led you to your conclusion before you ever state the conclusion. That loses people. Attention is a budget. You only have so much of it, and if you talk and talk, or you didn't think through what you're trying to say beforehand, you will lose people or annoy them, or they'll have to stop you and go, "wait, remind me, what was this about?" That question might be their kind way of saying please get to the point. If you hear it a lot, it's a signal worth taking seriously.
The second reason: it's always about you. If you never actually take an interest in the other person, that's a turn-off fast. It shows up in public speaking too, someone up on stage reading their script, with stories only about how they felt and the things they’ve suffered, never once engaging the audience. That's not communicating. That's a conversation with yourself that happens to be blasted through a mic.
And the third: constant negativity. If every time someone talks to you, they just hear complaining and heaviness, people start quietly exiting and avoiding future conversations. We work hard to keep a genuinely positive state of mind, and the reality underneath all three of these is simple and a little humbling: most of us care most about ourselves. So the fix is to intentionally come in curious. Intentionally care. Put the other person first. And here's the payoff, when you do have a point or a funny story to share, they'll give you the room to share it, because you gave them room first.
Point 2: What to say and how to say it
So how do you actually get people to lean in? A handful of moves does most of the work.
Lead with your main point. Tell people where the train is going, right up front, so they can say "awesome, let me jump in with you," or "no, not really," and either answer is fine. You've respected everyone's time either way.
Make it about them. Start with curiosity, start by caring. It not only matters to care about other’s lives, but from an influence perspective, it buys you rope for the moment you do have something to say.
Then get concise. This is the big one, and it's a skill you can learn, especially if you're an excited, every-detail-matters kind of person. When you can make your point with a real example and actually say LESS, people hang on your words more, not less. We think about a counselor/speaker friend of ours that we discuss in the episode. The first time we heard him speak, Caleb leaned over and whispered, "not a single one of those words from that man was wasted." That was exactly it. He packed so much into five minutes, he had a reason to be talking, he had a point, he got to it, and he wasn't rushing, he was doing everything he could to accommodate the listener. That's where connection happens.
The mindset we keep coming back to: when I bring something to someone, a leader or anyone, I know their time is valuable, so I come in prepared and as effective as I can be. That one belief cuts most of the clutter on its own. There's a line often credited to John Maxwell that stuck with us too: "I have spent a lifetime learning how to say little enough that you'll listen to me." It's convicting. The more intentional and targeted you can make your point, the more your audience will thank you.
Two fixes depending on who you are. If you're bubbly and fast, slow down and say less. If you're the opposite, quiet and in your head, learn to lead with the point, say it, and give the other person a chance to respond instead of umming your way through silence. Caleb will tell you he came from an introvert, homeschool background and was not a natural communicator at all. What helped was learning not to speak up until there was a gap and he knew he could finish a clear, pointed thought. That built real confidence that he was adding value, and funny enough, people start to notice the quiet one who only speaks when it counts. You become the "silent assassin," and that's an effective place to land.
Warmth matters too. Mary Beth grew up in a big Italian family full of "woo" and tonality and great storytellers, all peaks and valleys, "okay, okay… but wait till you hear THIS." That kind of warmth pulls people in.
And one last tip we both learned the hard way: record yourself. Listen back. Do you get bored listening to you? If so, change something. We hated doing this in teacher training. It is also one of the most helpful habits there is, because it lets you hear what everyone else is hearing.
Point 3: The habit that makes people trust you
This is the one that matters most over time. And it's Caleb's natural strength, so he leads here: be straight up. Be honest, even when it’s uncomfortable, and even when costs you. That honesty is what builds trust, because people always know what they're getting with you. Nobody should feel like they have to walk on eggshells around you. Let them say what they need to say, whether you like it or not, and give them the same in return.
Caleb's favorite proof of this is a little ridiculous. Within the first week of dating, he came over to visit, and even though it was about 35 degrees out, he took off his shoes at the door, and then his socks. Why? He grew up in South Georgia, where you never, ever wear shoes inside. His thought was, "if this is going to work, she's going to know exactly who I am." (It worked. His first business was literally named Barefoot Paths, so… on brand.) The point under the goofiness: be true to who you are, and good things follow.
The flip side, and this one's Mary Beth's: don't over-promise. She's the excitable one, the "this is going to be AMAZING, it's going to be huge" one, and she's learned a lot from Caleb about how exaggeration and over-promising actually diminishes trust. So now, before she presents something, she still lets herself get excited, but she also takes time to look at all the facts, because over-promising and under-delivering is exactly where you lose people. We've all been cornered by the ShamWow salesperson who's just TOO much, and everyone's quietly thinking "let's not." Credibility is found in consistency and realness. It compounds.
Two more that tie it together. Listen more than you talk. We've been told many times that we're strong listeners, and ironically that's a big part of why we've become decent speakers. We learned it from other people. If you find yourself dominating and monologuing, silence yourself and pull others in.
And finally, you don't have to be loud to be influential. A friend once told us they were "just over here quietly building wealth," and we loved that phrase so much we talked about it the whole drive home (full contrast intended lol). Real credibility and real confidence don't need to be shouted from the rooftops. They're often quiet. But when something is true for you, when you know it through and through and you're unshakable on it, that is what's impactful. That grounded conviction is what makes you influential, whether you're the quiet personality or the bubbly one.
The takeaway
To recap the three: people tune you out when there's no clear point, when it's all about you, or when it's all negativity; you get them to lean in by leading with your point, making it about them, and saying less with more intention; and you earn lasting trust by being honest even when it costs you, refusing to over-promise, and listening more than you talk.
We love this line: people don't follow the loudest voice. They follow the one who's actually worth listening to.
One resource worth a mention, because so much of communication is really just learning to “sell” your ideas: we've got the Authentic Sales Playbook coming soon to our resources page. We get into communication in there too, so it helps whether it's for your work or just for you. Keep an eye out for it. And if this helped, subscribe, we share the communication and influence skills nobody taught us, new every week, and tell us what you'd like us to cover, in the comments or through Connect With Us. We read every one.
And remember, you always have a choice to change your life. Keep sharpening it, keep making it more valuable. We believe in you. Go get them.
🎯 Start here: theydontteachyou.com/start-here
📩 Keep an eye out for the Coming Soon Authentic Sales Playbook and browse every resource: theydontteachyou.com/resources
